Working Through a Childs Struggle By Embracing Their Identity

Working Through a Childs Struggle By Embracing Their Identity

Our use of language and the stories we use to describe our children shape the way we think and act towards them (Marsten, Epston, & Markham, 2016). The way a child views themselves is then significantly impacted by our stories and actions. For example, when we hear about a child who is athletic, easy-going, or advanced we may interact with them in a certain way. Through these interactions and the language we use, the child will begin to build stories and gather information about who they are. 

Certain descriptors or stories, such as the slow learner, terrible listener, troubled teen, misbehaved, or terrible two year old, begins the portrayal of a problematic identity. The descriptors not only impact the child, but the stress level and hopeless/helpless feelings of those who are using it. It can begin a cycle that involves reinforcement of the problem behaviour. A child may fall into this story about who they are, and feel a sense of rejection by those they seek affirmation from (Marsten, Epston, & Markham, 2016). 

When we see a problem behaviour occurring over and over again, it can be a well intended response to focus all attention on this problem. However, becoming wrapped up and focused solely on the problem may do the opposite of our intention, and grow the problem further. Noticing behaviours or actions that contradict the problem story (also known as a “unique outcome” within the field of Narrative Therapy) may in fact be where the solution lies. This would involve carefully detecting and searching for moments in which the problem is not present. 

If we are to use the example of an eight year old child that is often having tantrums, we may feel that in order to get the tantrums under control we need to focus on them. However when you focus on the moments in which tantrums do not take over the child, certain questions may be asked that provide us with solutions. Some of these questions may include: Were there certain abilities or traits that the child used to stop the tantrum from taking over? Were there certain thoughts that helped them to ignore the feeling of the tantrum coming on? How was the child able to listen to the word no, and go with it? What did the child like about not having a tantrum in that moment? Was there a particular “super power” that helped to get away from the tantrum, or did the child use a certain skill they have?

When this line of questioning is offered and answered, we open up a dialogue that begins to highlight traits, skills, values, strategies, and characteristics within the child, growing and nurturing them further. Through this strategic focus of attention we may stop unfavourable descriptors and stories from developing and taking off around the child, impacting their identity. Instead, we discover and highlight the beautiful characteristics and abilities that exist within each child, and challenge problems with this knowledge. 

As we change the lens we look at problems through, the parental stress level may shift as well. Frustration, guilt, or helplessness that parents may feel as they watch a problem get out of hand can change. In fact a sense of pride is possible, as a parent notices and reflects on the qualities and abilities of their child. Perhaps the parent passed these qualities down genetically or nurtured them within their child. The story that opens up is given further life, influencing all members of a family, and growing through time. 

Reference

Marsten, D., Epston, D., & Markham, L. (2016). Narrative therapy in Wonderland: connecting with childrens imaginative know-how. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.

Written by:

Stacey Boe, M.A., R.C.C.